laugh at life with gillie

 I came across a lonely Inn across a lonely Moor, The clientèle were weird as hell so I legged it for the door. I made it to the threshold, the air inside was cold. Mine host appeared in front of me, a pale skinny chap, upon his bony head he wore a raggedy worn cap. "Stay my friend," he said, with a leering smile; If only I could have squeezed passed him I'd have done a minute mile. As I went back to the bar the customers watched intently. One of them muttered something about a hearse being a luxurious Bentley. What is this place I thought to myself; not daring to ask. Then I overheard some muttered words where someone mentioned an ornate cask. The barmaid was not a pretty lass, with hair all frizzy and thin. She stared at me with glassy eyes and knocked back a double Gin. "What do you want to drink?" she asked, in a haunting voice. "A pint of bitter please", I answered, thinking I had no choice. The beer was good, the company bad, t...

He shot passed the police at a rapid pace, The Boy decided to give them a race, passed the tractor loaded with hay, he hit a truck and passed away.

Old McDonald had a farm, Ee-Aye-Ee-Aye-Oh, and on that farm he had some... er...pigs! Ee-Aye-Ee-Aye... Oh, who cares? 

A notorious flasher called Witter, caught his cock in his zipper, he cut it in two, made it turn blue, and it looked like a bloated kipper. 

I once met a man named Dick, who performed an unusual trick, he could vault over a wall; no matter how tall, by simply using his prick.

There was a woman from Dover who loved a roll in the clover, but it was all over for her and her lover, when they rolled over the cliffs of Dover.

Our neighbours cat came in our garden to have his daily shit, When he saw I'd concreted it I thought he'd have a fit.

I had a parrot that swore a lot, he wasn't very pleasant, He escaped out of the window one day and raped a passing pheasant.

Hickory Dickory Dock . Hickory, dickory, dock, the mouse ran up the clock. The clock struck one the mouse ran down,  I hit it with a weighted sock. :0)  :0\ well they are vermin :0| I see the moon. I see the moon, the moon see's me, having a pee up the old oak tree, who's is that moon that I can see? It's the Mrs crouching next to me.

Posh bloke said my English is atrocious.  I said at least I don't put people down, so I'm not condementing. My Granddad shot to fame as a human canon ball. My mrs hasn't got a dirty mind, she changes it too much. The older I get the more the circles I move around in are full of dizzy old folks. Our village idiot isn't a patch on London's City Idiot. I worked my way up through life from nothing and now I have got next to nothing. I am always politicly correct; just like my fellow honky white brothers. Cross a bird with a fish and you get a Cock Roach. Too many beans blow holes in your jeans. People drink to your health and you wake up with a blinding headache the next day. There has been a crime spree in the kiddies nursery... Tom,Tom the Pipers Son and Taffy the Welshman are chief suspects. I taught myself everything ... I think I need a new teacher.

The Boring-est Bore that makes my ears sore Is the sad person who's so materialistic. They get lots of debt, then start to fret when they become a bad credit statistic

   When Archie Fox awoke the morning after a night of drinking with his pals he wondered why his head ached so much as he had not drunk anymore than normal. His scalp felt as though it had shrunk around his skull and the latter was trying to break out. He managed to drag himself  up and sit on the edge  of his bed where he stared into space.  Billy, his large mix breed dog. stood up from his bed in the corner of the bedroom, stretched his long limbs, arched his back, flexed his well sprung chest, shook his massive flanks, wagged his long ratlike tail, strolled over to his master and placed his massive paw on Archie's knee, he gazed into Archie's eyes with a look of adoration in his own blue left eye and brown right eye; he had more breeds in him then Battersby Dogs Home. Archie twiddled the dogs pendant ear- the other one stood erect like a German Shepherd dogs- as he stared through glazed eyes at the photo of ...