Tuesday, 6 December 2011

BALDY MAN.




He looked in the mirror this morning; he finally had to admit;
He hadn’t a lot of hair left; In fact there was only a bit.

Once, it was thick; and wavy, he could comb it back in a D.A.
At twenty seven he combed it forward, as it was then it started fading away.

Nobody seemed to notice; as the Beetles were then all the rage,
He just said ‘I have changed my image; to look like those blokes on the stage.

When it started to get a lot thinner, he was getting worried; it’s true.
So he combed it up from the nape of his neck; it’s the only thing he could do.

Then the day arrived when his cover was blown, the wind was really high;
It lifted his waves up and down on his head, and they looked like they were waving goodbye.

He heard of a new cure for baldness. They said rub chicken muck in your head;
He didn’t do the full course of treatment, as the wife would not let him in bed.

Now he’s shaven the fuzzy bits from his head, and refrained from wearing a vest;
And like those macho men in the movies, he now flashes the hair on his chest.

Friday, 18 November 2011

laugh at life with gillie: thego2guyz.com: @Ip5 Performance On Fox OrlandoIsaiah Pittman ...

laugh at life with gillie: thego2guyz.com: @Ip5 Performance On Fox OrlandoIsaiah Pittman ...

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Rocking Away Those Wartime Blues


War babies came in with a bang,
in a war when they sang
of Bluebirds, Kitbag’s and Farewells.
Heroic parents with stories
to tell of their Glories
in a hell where their brave comrades fell.
Flat caps and mack’s and demob suits
and very shiny leather boots.


They fought for peaceful days.
So we got a new craze...
We put on our blue swede shoes
and danced away those blues.


In peace, we did what we pleased.
tight trousers, short skirts,
youths with long hair,
and draped jackets that came down to our knees.


We danced a fast dance
with an unusual stance.
Jive was alive,
girls were thrown in the air,
they didn't care.
as we rocked the dance floor,
pony tails in girls hair.


We rocked around in blue swede shoes,
We rocked away those wartime blues...
The clock struck one two three and four,
now we are knock, knock, knocking on heavens door.
We are rock rock rocking, knocking on.
Ah, how good was Freedom?

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Fiddle-dee, dee.


Under the spreading chestnut tree,
I met a wench and she liked me
-Hey, ho fiddle-de-de.

My hand did wonder above her knee,
under the spreading chestnut tree
-Hey ho fiddle-dee dee.

that wench she had to marry me,
and we-well-
Hey ho fiddle-dee, dee.

I'm a fiddle-dee, dee and a fiddle, de, doe.
A fiddler I'll let you know,
under the spreading chestnut tree,

Keep your daughters under lock and key
away from that spreading chestnut tree.
Hey ho fiddle-dee, dee,
under the spreading chestnut treeeeee.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

More of my nonsense.


I've started a tourist firm 4 dare devils. You will be touring Niagara Falls in a barrel; Hand rails fitted for sissies. YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Speak when your spoken to,
 that's what my parents said.
 But they didn't speak to me so I spoke and was sent to bed.


They say that all dogs evolve from wolves. I saw a French Poodle with a curly coat...was it a wolf in sheep's clothing?

I believe I can fly...AARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!


Magic mushrooms, poppy seeds,
long haired hippies with strings of beads...
WE ALL LIVED IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE!
Er, sorry about that...NURSE!


I watched the news one day and a very good investigative journalist asked a Politician a very awkward question....'TRUTHFULLY?'



I have been poor all my life, I'll die poor and leave it all to poor friends who will know how to handle it.



I know why the Government are raising student fees...They only want the Cream of the Country in their universities... RICH and THICK!



Hey kids! We had a pig in our yard,
we called her Mary-Lou,
She was a very messy pig'
the yard was full of poo; phew! :0)



I am so unlucky, I was flooded out, so I took advice, dried it out & insured it against future flooding... It burnt down the next day. :0\



My Doctor asked me when I first noticed that my memory was getting bad, I said, 'I can't remember.'



Apparently were related to apes; dogs are man's best friend...Proof, you can choose your friends but not your relatives. :0/



Adam discovered the law of gravity before Isaac Newton when an apple made HIM fall for Eve.



I know why Hollywood hero's don't lose a leg in battle... cos they'd fall on their arse whilst kicking arse.



The Devonshire Old McDonald had a farm,
 Oh - Argh - Oh - Argh - Oh!
 
The American Old McDonald sells fast food,
with a beefburger here a hamburger there,
no live animals anywhere. 


Old McDonald bought some pigs,
 with an I.O.U. ER, E. I E. I. O. 




STYLE! Is when you slip on spilt beer in a nightclub and you make it look like your break-dancing.

STYLE! is when u take the piss out of vain tyrant & get away with it. Reference: TONY BLAIR EX UK PM SPEAKING TO GADAFFI, "You are looking good." Spoken with a wide grin


If any man tells you that he is a Member of Parliament, he's a liar.

Hey, If Isaac Newton was so clever, how is it that he didn't invent safety helmets for orchards?



They said that he is better for the knowing. I now know to be out when he calls.



Style is when you are thrown out of a nightclub and you convince the passing public that you are a street acrobat.

Hey, Kids, I found some Pheasant feathers and put them in my hat, I walked under an apple tree and came under Cat Attack.



Style is, when caught in woman's bed by husband You convince him that you fainted in the street & she brought you in for a lie down.



Style is, tripping up over a kerb-stone and convincing passers by that you are skipping along happily.



Style is, when your not able to buy new clothes but you convince others that you are following a ragged clothes fashion.



The doctor sent him to his bed, he'd had a brainstorm in his head, blew his brains out, now he's dead.  

Monday, 31 October 2011

A Lincolnshire Poachers Tale.

Where's Sal? She's somewhere out there in the dark.
Unseen, unheard by game or or game keeper; she will not bark.
When hunting she is silent'
those gamekeepers get violent.

Is that a person against that tree?
Someone watching me?
Something moved; or was it the breeze?
Blowing branches? I'll have to freeze.

Something brushed against my knee.
It's Sal, we'll have rabbit for our tea.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Beware The Heat of Mums Kitchen.

Spit, spat, spit goes the bacon,
spatter, spitter, spitter, spat, spat.
Keep out of Mums Kitchen,
or you'll be burnt by that spitting hot fat.

Bubble, bubble, bubble goes the water'
bubble, lubble. lubble, blubble blob.
If you touch your hands will be scolded,
then you'll blubber, blubber, sob, sob.

The hot meats roast in the oven.
sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.
Do not touch that cooker,
or you'll be burnt to a frizzle, frazzle, frizzle.

Saturday, 15 October 2011

The Elves In The Hawthorn Hedge.

I don't know how true this story is; but I'll tell it to you anyway.
It was told to me by my Granddad when we were sitting on a bale of hay.
He said he was working in a field, trimming an hawthorn hedge,
when he came across a group of elves, tucking into hot meat and veg.
They were sitting on toadstools around an old tree stump that someone had sawn long ago,
and Granddad said he would not have seen them if he hadn't stooped real low.
They wore leaf green pointed hats and grass green clothes,
and mud brown boots that turned up at the toes.
'OH!' said Granddad, 'I'm sorry to disturb you; I didn't mean to be rude;
I hope I didn't startle you or put you off your food.'
The largest of them; who was six inches small
said,
'Jesus, tis al right; well not at all.  Would you like to join us in a bite to eat?
We have carrots and tatties, and freshly cooked meat.'
'Well, thank you,' said Granddad, 'that's kind of you.'
The elf pointed to a log and said, 'Pull up a pew.'
They gave him a bowl that had been carved out of wood,
with fancy designs on that Granddad thought were quite good.
And,  written in fancy writing were the words "Giant Size",
because Granddad was a giant when seen through their eyes.
They filled the bowl right up to the brim,
the gave him a fork and said, 'here you are; get stuck in.'
They told him they had seen him working hard every day,
trimming hedges and digging ditches in wet sticky clay.
'Have you?' asked Granddad, 'I didn't know;
I'd never have seen you if I hadn't stooped low.'
They said, 'there aren't many giants who know we are around,
as we wear green clothes and brown boots so we blend in with the ground.'
I've searched and I've searched in that hedgerow myself,
but I've never spotted even one elf.
Though hundreds of people say they've seen them too;
 plus there's an elf spotting club... So maybe it's true?





jackiehoskingpio.wordpress.com/2009/11/06/rhyming-poems-for-adults/

Monday, 10 October 2011

Billy Drake of the Lake.

Billy Drake of the lake is the greediest duck around,
he squabbles with the other ducks for the food around the ground.

Billy has got big flat feet,he uses them like paddles.
But when he walks outside the lake, he wobbles and he waddles.

He wobbles around on those big feet and stumbles after food.
If the other ducks get in the way Billy Drake is very rude. 

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Hip-Hop Rabbit Finds Fame.

Hip-Hop Rabbit hops all around,
and lives in his home deep down in the ground.
one day whilst out munching a root,
he heard a loud noise and decided to scoot.

He hid in a thorn bush and heard a boys voice
say, 'I love Rock and Roll, it's Hip, it's my choice.
Slung over his shoulder was a shiny guitar'
on which he twanged out a tune and sang, 'Lar, lar, lar.'

Hip-Hop thought, "What a wonderful sound."
He tapped his foot to the tune; on the ground.
Thumpitty thump, 'lar, lar, lar, lar.
I'm the most hip rabbit around here by far.

He sang and he danced all the way home,
and came across Norman the Gnome.
'Crikey!,' said Norman, 'what an unusual habit,
that's the first time I've seen a Rock and Roll Rabbit.'

Now Hip-Hop performs at Woodlands Hop every night,
where the animals dance in the hall, that's packed tight.
He has a stage name now that he is a star'
It's Swivel-Hip-Hop, the most hip rabbit...by far!


jackiehoskingpio.wordpress.com/2009/11/06/rhyming-poems-for-adults/

Beaver Sam

There once was a Beaver called Sam,
who was busy building a dam.
The damn dam burst, caused Sam to curse,
and sail away in a pram.

The Chinese Gong.

Wing Wang Wong hit the big brass gong and it went bing, bang, bong, dong.
Ching Chung Chang gave the gong a bang, and it went bing, bong, dong clang.
Ling Long Lo thought he'd have a go, he took a swing, but he aimed too low'
and the gong went, Ho, ho, ho!

Cheerful Ena.

At the zoo there's a laughing hyena,
I don't know if you've ever seen her?
She cheers everyone up,
She's such a cheerful pup.
They shout,
'Oh, Look, have you seen her?
Hi Ena!'

The Kangaroo With A Didjareedoo

There's Kangaroo I knew,
who played tunes on a didjareedoo.
Whenever there was a bit of a doo, who was there? That kangaroo,
playing tunes on his didjareedoo!
I swear its true...er Blue.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

I Jest by John Robin Gill

Here is another book (my third) you can now find it on Amazon.com  It is a compilation of my Limericks and Jokes. Just put in John Robin gill and all 3 books will come up on your computer screen. 

Saturday, 3 September 2011

Here is an excerpt from my book, 'The Beast from Bogrims Marsh.' It available on Kindle humour shelf. Written by John Robin Gill.;


‘What’s going on?’  Charlie asked.  He startled Pricilla out of her daydream, where she imagined entertaining her new socially conscious friends in her newly acquired home.  Her mug holding hand shot up in a reflex action, she spluttered and choked with tears in her eyes as the tea went down both channels of her gullet; the words Oh fuck crossed her mind.  She sprang up from the armchair.
‘Oh, my god poor Archibald whatever could be the matter with him?  He fell off the sofa…’ she paused; what else could she say?  She could not think of anything, ‘oh my god,’ she wailed, ‘oh my god!’ she repeated, for the want of something else to say.  She threw her arms in the air in mock angst.  She ran around the room screaming and wailing hysterically.  Alcol thought that she was howling in triumph at killing his master.
‘Archibald has had some sort of seizure,’ Pricilla screeched, ‘he just fell from the sofa, what are we going to do.  I think he is going to die.’  She yelled having thought of something else to add.
She knew what to do and it was not to leave a stroke patient on the floor without getting them to hospital for urgent treatment.  Moreover, she definitely knew not to stress a patient out by mentioning their imminent death within their hearing.
It was fortunate for Archie- that Charlie was a dependable type with a calm approach to any emergency – he had to be composed during his tours in dangerous warzones whilst in charge of front line commandos.  He rolled Archie over into the recovery position and told Wilf to dial 9-9-9.  Pricilla ran around the room waving her arms in the air like someone possessed.
She wailed on about his son –whom she had never met-, ‘poor James, how am I to break the news to James… oh my god,’ she said again, whilst searching around her devious mind for more words to convince everyone of her concern for the poor - soon to be departed; she hoped – Archibald.  She went into overdrive when the paramedics arrived.  They could not concentrate on their work as her histrionic actions were irritating them.
Alcol still thought that she was murdering his master; he jumped up at the window, ran to the back door, and bounced off it.  The lock held – just.  He ran back to the window where he could see Pricilla prancing around his master as though she were doing a victory dance after putting Archie down; he knew that Archie was suffering -his senses told him so, he snarled, growled and whimpered as he ran back and forth along the garden path, from window to door, door to window.  The window box crashed to the floor as he scratched at it in an attempt to dig under the window frame.
Wilf was also watching Pricilla - more so when she threw herself on the sofa with her short rah-rah skirt riding high above her open thighs.  The paramedic who was dealing with Archie whilst his colleague wheeled the stretcher in, turned to Charlie and Wilf, ‘Someone silence that dog… and take her out of the room; they are distressing the patient,’ he said assertively, but in a low voice for Archie’s benefit.
Wilf volunteered to escort Pricilla into the spare bedroom, he almost tripped over his walking stick in his eagerness to get her into his embrace and cuddle her to his side on their way across the hall.  Pricilla had not finished her act.  As they entered the bedroom she threw her arms around the delighted Wilf’s neck, he kicked the door too with a deft back heel kick, dropped his walking stick on the floor and cuddled her petite figure into his own podgy body.
The close proximity of their bodies made it evident to Pricilla that Wilf was sexually aroused.  ‘Forgive me I am so worried for my dear friend.’  She said, and tried to break away from him.  ‘He…he will be o… ok,’ Wilf answered as he clung onto her body, his heart almost jumped out of his chest, he breathed in her scent; -unlike Archie- he quite liked the smell.  ‘Unhand me…  I am your friend’s partner, I have moved in with him today; unhand me!’  Wilf was oblivious to anything she said, his concentration was not on what she was saying anyway, more on what he was feeling and seeing.  Pricilla had to push him away.  She jabbered away at him, ‘We were just about to go to bed; he had told me that I could move in with him; maybe the excitement got to him because I think he has had a stroke,’ she said from the other side of the single divan.
‘What if you get ill and you are on your own, I said, I have seen this before Wilfred; if he does come out of it he will never be fully cured, he will have to be cared for twenty four seven.  Because he has a house to sell, the state won’t pay for his keep, he will have to sell the house to pay for his care; unless someone like me…a trained nurse is willing to look after him’
            Charlie came into the bedroom -to Pricilla’s relief- and passed Archie’s cordless telephone to her.
            ‘We have contacted his son, could you tell him what happened as you were here.’
Pricilla fidgeted nervously as she took the receiver from his hands.
            Pricilla’s relief was short lived, His son she thought, She smoothed her dress down to wipe the sweat from her palms and took the telephone from Charlie with shaking hands.
‘Hello,’ she said in her most refined accent, ‘I ham afraid it is bad news Mister Fox.’
            ‘Who are you?’
            ‘I ham your Daddies partner’
            ‘You what?  What sort of partner?  If you mean what I think you mean…  He… he never got over my mother; at least he hadn’t the last time I spoke to him.’
            ‘Your father is an attractive man for his age and it would have been a waste if he had hidden himself away on his own; surely your mother would not want him to be all alone for the rest of his life-.’  Jim interrupted her,
            ‘What happened?’
            ‘He just fell off the sofa.’
            ‘I don’t believe it; he has never had a day’s illness in his life.’
            ‘Well it’s true-’
            ‘But he has always been so active; he’s only just retired; he was looking forward to it, after working for another two years in order to have a pension that would pay his bills.’
            Pricilla ducked her head nervously as the kitchen door almost gave way under Alcol’s continuous assault against it.  She had a plan in her devious mind though, and she was not going to let a dog put her off that.
‘Well if I have to look after him I will need to have some sort of an allowance I can hardly manage to feed myself on my income; the authorities won’t keep him, you need to be on benefits and your father worked all his life.  They will only fund a person’s stay in nursing homes when they have never worked or saved any money in their life,’ she gabbled.
            ‘Look, stop going on about money …he is my father and I will sort that out for him.’
            ‘Well someone has to look at it realistically and-’
             ‘I’m coming up there.’
James switched his cell phone off and hurriedly packed his bags before kissing his girlfriend and driving off at speed to Bogrims Marsh.


                                                            Chapter 5
            Charlie was about to go outside and calm Alcol down when the heavy bolt flew off the back kitchen door and hit the eye level grill on Archie’s old white gas-cooker; - it was fortunate that no one’s eyes were at that level or they would have been rendered eyeless.
The large hound crashed into the kitchen in a shower of splintering wood as the Para-medics rushed out with Archie on the stretcher, ducking down with bowed heads, like stretcher-bearers under bombardment on the Somme.  They both agreed in less calming voices that it would be sensible to get their patient out of the house and away from the uproar within, ‘No wonder he has had a stroke.’  The man moving swiftly at the front end of the stretcher said.  ‘If we don’t get him out of this mad house he’ll be an undertaker’s client,’ his colleague at the back end said.
They slammed the door behind them as Alcol struggled to regain his footing, and slid around the lino floor and into the hallway as though he were on a skateboard, he managed to pull up in front of Charlie; with his head cocked on one side; he wondered where everyone else had gone.  He needed to protect Archie from the witch in the wardrobe.
That is where she ran to and hid after she threw the telephone on the bed on hearing the splintering of wood and the metallic clattering noise as the bolt flew across the kitchen, bounced off the eyelevel grill and ended up rattling around in the stainless steel sink behind the door - or the remains of the door.  Not only that, she needed to put something other than the divan bed between herself and the sexually aroused Wilf; he was about to climb in with her but he took the hint when she trapped his fingers in the heavy oak Victorian wardrobe door.
Alcol sniffed around, turned to the front door, and anxiously sniffed around the bottom of it.  He knew that Archie had past that way because he left a scent trail when the stooping paramedics had left his arm trailing from the stretcher in their rush to get him out.  Alcol then turned his attention to the bedroom where he could smell the overpowering fumes from Pricilla’s cologne.  Because she was so flustered and perspiring profusely, she was emitting a stronger odour than usual.
He turned towards the spare bedroom.  Wilf came out of the door blowing the fingers on his right hand and wondering what had caused the racket in the kitchen.
Charlie grabbed the dogs lead from the coat pegs in the hall, clipped it on Alcol’s broad greyhound type collar, and between them the two pals dragged him into Archie’s bedroom.  Charlie did most of the pulling, because Wilf could only use one hand.  Moreover, the extra exertion applied to his knee as he strained against Alcol’s rump had caused it to ache and he had a job obtaining enough traction on the lino as he huffed and puffed at his throbbing hand and shook it frantically.

Friday, 26 August 2011

The Beast From Bogrims Marsh.

For this book you will need lots of tissues, because you will be sad one minute and in tears of laughter for hours. 'THE BEAST FROM BOGRIMS MARSH' Is now in the fictional comedy department of KINDLE.
www.amazon.co.uk/kindle-

Dead Game by Claire Kinton & The BWA Publishing Programme: Lincoln Book Festival 2011

Dead Game by Claire Kinton & The BWA Publishing Programme: Lincoln Book Festival 2011: On Wednesday evening, at 6:30pm, I headed to the Drill Hall in Lincoln City for a New Writers UK evening, part of the Lincoln Book Festiva...

Friday, 8 July 2011

The Great Nature Show.

Leave your, Game Boy,
 PC, and Wii,
 come with me,
away from all modern triviality.
Without plastic beams and plastic brass;
and all night clubs with writhing mass.
 Where birdsong is top of the charts
and creatures have the starring parts.
Hedgerow, stream, meadow and tree,
make up the stage scenery.

The curtain rises on part one  SPRING.
Music arrives on feathered wing.
Robin Hedge-sparrow, thrush, dipper, wren,
are trilling in hedgerow, wood and glen.
Skylarks liquid melody flows from high;
crystal clear tune from clear blue sky.

yellow hammer flutters among the trees,
singing, 'little bit of bred and no - cheese.
Squirrels and dormice in acrobatic acts,
with death defying leaps, they land intact.

In athletic games hares run and jump.
Toe to toe,  they grunt, hiss and thump.
The dipper curtsies and bobs enthusiastically.
What a great show; and its all for free.

The scenery changes with a more splendid hue.
More performers fly in.  SUMMER is due.

Now we have part two of the great nature show.
The stage radiates in a magnificent glow.
In cobalt flash, Kingfisher dives'
producing a fish; before your very eyes.

Dragonflies in limpid blue,
are on the aerobatic agenda too.
Moths and butterflies flutter gaily by;
sublime with splendour that makes the audience sigh.

Rabbit and hare run at a rapid pace;
performing in the great nature race.
But the faster hare reaches sixty miles an hour,
with long muscular legs as springs of power.

The stage struck pheasant struts in regal attire;
the cock of the north; plus any southern shire.
Watch Otter slide down the slippery bank.
An aquatic show of graceful, spiral, supple flank.

The morning mist lifts to reveal the next scene,
silvery laced webs bordering a golden sheen.
Its AUTUMN, part three, the trees wear a new suit,
the hedgerows and briar's offer free fruit.  

The dawn chorus strikes up' all the community sing,
Starling, robin, finch, sparrow, red-wing;
also the thrush, wren field-fare and tit.
Every species does more than its bit.

Jackdaw does his funny mime,
then mischievously turns to his thieving crime.
Raven does his funny walk,
Mallard laughs, 'Quark, ack, ack, ack.' He should talk.

Overhead there's an amazing sight,
Geese and Swans in arrowhead flight.
At dusk the choir gather again;
closing part three with a beautiful refrain.

Virgin snow covers the stage.
Part four WINTER. Frost bites, the winds in a rage.
Mistle-thrush provides the music now;
determined to out whistle the wind somehow.

Stoat dresses up this time of year;
the party gatecrasher in ermine fur.
Adults only for this part of the show;
signs of struggle, blood stained snow.

Through the still night air glides the ghostly Barn Owl.
Did he commit this deed so fowl.
It may have been Foxy; he's so sly.
He was seen skulking around nearby.

Was it Weasel? If you would like to know,
get out and about for the Great Nature Show.

Saturday, 2 July 2011

A wizard in the Farmyard

It was all peace and quiet in the farmyard, until a mischievous wizard passed by.
He waved his wand at the chickens, then at the pigs in their sty.

The farmer yelled,
'Hey! What you doing?'
He answered,
'Oh just having fun.'
And ran quickly around the farmyard, muttering spells on the run.

He laughed as he stood in the gateway. But the farmer could not see the joke.
He ran forward to catch hold of the wizard, who vanished in a puff of smoke.

Now the farmer got very frightened and rushed home to tell his wife,
of the scene that he had just witnessed the likes of which he'd not seen in his life.

They went back to look at the farmyard; to see what damage had been done'
by that wizard who had been there, saying he was just having fun.

The pigs were all in the pigsty; rooting around in the muck.
But instead of grunting like pigs normally do, they looked up and started to cluck.

The sheep were quacking in the sheep-pen,the ducks were mooing in the pond.
The cows were grunting in the cowshed; all this done by that wizard and his wand.

'Bar, bar, bar,' went the chickens,
'Har, har, har,' went the wife.
The farmer saw the wizards joke and laughed for the rest of his life.  

Wrong house :0\

I got drunk one night, staggered towards my home, entered a room. And shouted,
 'Where are you wife! What you doing buying all these tacky trinkets? Where's all our nice ornaments?'
The woman next door yelled,
'Get out of my house!'  :0\

Cocker Doodle.

Cocker Doodle saw the poodle chase the cat round the farm.
Cocker Doodle watched the poodle from his perch where he'd come to no harm.

Friday, 1 July 2011

Humpty Horace.

Humpty, Humpty Horace, the camel from Abber Dabber Doo,
was standing one day at an oasis, having a leisurely chew,
when a giant of a gnat came and bit him;
causing poor Horace such pain, that he shot off across the desert,
and swore he'd never go there again.
Poor Humpty, Humpty Horace; no wonder he's taken the hump,
Not only has he got two humps on his back, he also has a painful lump.


Micky Mog and Big Pat.

A mangy moggie called Micky Mog
would fight with anything; even a dog.
A great big dog, who they called Big Pat
never did like that mangy cat.
So she waited in ambush behind a log,
thinking to herself, 'I'm a clever dog.'

But Micky did what most cats do,
he jumped on a log to get a good view.
He spotted Pat crouched there, having a titter,
jumped  on her back stuck his claws in and bit her.

The pain and shock put Pat to flight;
she ran and ran until out of sight.
Micky hung on all the way,
Shouting things like, Yahoo, yee, hoolay!"

I don't know what happened after that,
because there's been no sighting of dog nor cat.

Thursday, 30 June 2011

Dick the highwayman.

Dick was an highwayman on the road to York.
He clip clopped along on his trusty horse.
Clip-clop clippity-clop,
As a Highwayman, Dick was a complete flop.
His horse couldn't outrun the Highway Cop. :0\    

Tap to Rap.

Hey yo old git's foller me
 tap our plates to new poetry.Me wearing my Christmas presents.
Stop yo winging rap aint bad,
Follow me, the rap granddad.
wear your caps; beanies too;
If your shy a hood'll do.
Tap, tap, tap it's rap
Put over the top yo point of view,
like Keats and Wordsworth; Tennyson too.
Older poets then me or you
Musics fast catchy- few!
tap those feet hear t words,
don't dismiss like verbal turds.
Tap, tap to the rap.
Not boring ranting crap it's new poetry ITS RAP!
Iceberg cool, cool as ice, all the rage raging on the new age.
tap, tap to the rap.
Hip hop Is that a cop?

Sunday, 26 June 2011

A laugh a minute; I think.
















                    When is a moth a cat? When it is a tiger moth













 I have decided to hang my dogs I.D. tag on the base of his tail to stop other dogs sniffing his bum.




I said to my Mrs, "Don't let me be a cabbage. I would rather be a couch potato like all the other brain dead people."




Posh bloke from double barrel named village visited Northern Industrial Town "What a Shit-hole!" He said. Well he was just passing through!




Hey, I don't know how those Americans can drive on the right hand side of the road. I tried it on our M.1 in the UK & almost got killed.


Instructor, 'How do you detect a Suicide bomber?'
 Recruit, 'Catch him in the act.' 
Instructor, 'Then what?' 
Recruit, 'pick up the pieces.'




My pal went to a spiritualist.  The spiritualist said,  
"Your wife is happy on the other side and she is delighted that you are well.
Because she doesn't want you joining her there and making her miserable."






A mans house burnt down and he had a newer better one built from his insurance payout. He was watching the news about a disaster and wondered how he could start a flood.


I once bred Lurcher's'. I said to my wife, 'Put Pip with Sal, they should make nice pups together.' She said to me, ' isn't that your job?' Me, 'No Pip will have to do it.'


A suicide shoe bomber went to heaven, St Peter took him in and said "There you are, 72 virgins, fill your boots my son.


Hey, why don't British line dancers who dance in cowboy hats, check shirts & silly knee length boots dance on live electric railway lines?


Why don't British cowboy clubs with daft gang names & do quick on the draw games use real bullets.


Why don't Morris dancers hit one another across the head with their sticks? Do everyone a favour.




How come a shop near us buy peoples junk and only sell Antiques?




An 80 year old man, ex bare knuckle fighter with coli-flower ears , deaf as a corner post, visits his Doctor, The  Doctor examines his chest. 'Well for an old heart it seems to be going well.'  The old man floors the doctor with one punch. When the doctor comes round he says, 'I don't recall calling you an old fart.'


My pal has a hearing aid. He is as deaf as a politician who is avoiding an awkward question.


What is long, made of Oak and sleeps as many as 10 at a time? = A bench in the House of Lords.














                    When is a moth a cat? When it is a tiger moth













 I have decided to hang my dogs I.D. tag on the base of his tail to stop other dogs sniffing his bum.




I said to my Mrs, "Don't let me be a cabbage. I would rather be a couch potato like all the other brain dead people."




Posh bloke from double barrel named village visited Northern Industrial Town "What a Shit-hole!" He said. Well he was just passing through!




Hey, I don't know how those Americans can drive on the right hand side of the road. I tried it on our M.1 in the UK & almost got killed.Instructor, 'How do you detect a Suicide bomber?'
 Recruit, 'Catch him in the act.' 
Instructor, 'Then what?' 
Recruit, 'Lock him up so he can't do it again.'




My pal went to a spiritualist.  The spiritualist said,  
"Your wife is happy on the other side and she is delighted that you are well.
Because she doesn't want you joining her there and making her miserable."






A mans house burnt down and he had a newer better one built from his insurance payout. He was watching the news about a disaster and wondered how he could start a flood.I once bred Lurcher's'. I said to my wife, 'Put Pip with Sal, they should make nice pups together.' She said to me, ' isn't that your job?' Me, 'No Pip will have to do it.'

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