Thursday, 30 June 2011

Dick the highwayman.

Dick was an highwayman on the road to York.
He clip clopped along on his trusty horse.
Clip-clop clippity-clop,
As a Highwayman, Dick was a complete flop.
His horse couldn't outrun the Highway Cop. :0\    

Tap to Rap.

Hey yo old git's foller me
 tap our plates to new poetry.Me wearing my Christmas presents.
Stop yo winging rap aint bad,
Follow me, the rap granddad.
wear your caps; beanies too;
If your shy a hood'll do.
Tap, tap, tap it's rap
Put over the top yo point of view,
like Keats and Wordsworth; Tennyson too.
Older poets then me or you
Musics fast catchy- few!
tap those feet hear t words,
don't dismiss like verbal turds.
Tap, tap to the rap.
Not boring ranting crap it's new poetry ITS RAP!
Iceberg cool, cool as ice, all the rage raging on the new age.
tap, tap to the rap.
Hip hop Is that a cop?

Sunday, 26 June 2011

A laugh a minute; I think.
















                    When is a moth a cat? When it is a tiger moth













 I have decided to hang my dogs I.D. tag on the base of his tail to stop other dogs sniffing his bum.




I said to my Mrs, "Don't let me be a cabbage. I would rather be a couch potato like all the other brain dead people."




Posh bloke from double barrel named village visited Northern Industrial Town "What a Shit-hole!" He said. Well he was just passing through!




Hey, I don't know how those Americans can drive on the right hand side of the road. I tried it on our M.1 in the UK & almost got killed.


Instructor, 'How do you detect a Suicide bomber?'
 Recruit, 'Catch him in the act.' 
Instructor, 'Then what?' 
Recruit, 'pick up the pieces.'




My pal went to a spiritualist.  The spiritualist said,  
"Your wife is happy on the other side and she is delighted that you are well.
Because she doesn't want you joining her there and making her miserable."






A mans house burnt down and he had a newer better one built from his insurance payout. He was watching the news about a disaster and wondered how he could start a flood.


I once bred Lurcher's'. I said to my wife, 'Put Pip with Sal, they should make nice pups together.' She said to me, ' isn't that your job?' Me, 'No Pip will have to do it.'


A suicide shoe bomber went to heaven, St Peter took him in and said "There you are, 72 virgins, fill your boots my son.


Hey, why don't British line dancers who dance in cowboy hats, check shirts & silly knee length boots dance on live electric railway lines?


Why don't British cowboy clubs with daft gang names & do quick on the draw games use real bullets.


Why don't Morris dancers hit one another across the head with their sticks? Do everyone a favour.




How come a shop near us buy peoples junk and only sell Antiques?




An 80 year old man, ex bare knuckle fighter with coli-flower ears , deaf as a corner post, visits his Doctor, The  Doctor examines his chest. 'Well for an old heart it seems to be going well.'  The old man floors the doctor with one punch. When the doctor comes round he says, 'I don't recall calling you an old fart.'


My pal has a hearing aid. He is as deaf as a politician who is avoiding an awkward question.


What is long, made of Oak and sleeps as many as 10 at a time? = A bench in the House of Lords.














                    When is a moth a cat? When it is a tiger moth













 I have decided to hang my dogs I.D. tag on the base of his tail to stop other dogs sniffing his bum.




I said to my Mrs, "Don't let me be a cabbage. I would rather be a couch potato like all the other brain dead people."




Posh bloke from double barrel named village visited Northern Industrial Town "What a Shit-hole!" He said. Well he was just passing through!




Hey, I don't know how those Americans can drive on the right hand side of the road. I tried it on our M.1 in the UK & almost got killed.Instructor, 'How do you detect a Suicide bomber?'
 Recruit, 'Catch him in the act.' 
Instructor, 'Then what?' 
Recruit, 'Lock him up so he can't do it again.'




My pal went to a spiritualist.  The spiritualist said,  
"Your wife is happy on the other side and she is delighted that you are well.
Because she doesn't want you joining her there and making her miserable."






A mans house burnt down and he had a newer better one built from his insurance payout. He was watching the news about a disaster and wondered how he could start a flood.I once bred Lurcher's'. I said to my wife, 'Put Pip with Sal, they should make nice pups together.' She said to me, ' isn't that your job?' Me, 'No Pip will have to do it.'

Saturday, 25 June 2011

The Mad Poet.

  Rupert was an aspiring poet,
though the critics didn't know it.
He began to rave and tear his hair out,
his lips were formed in a permanent pout.
He wasn't original.

In time he was sectioned, he'd gone out of his mind,
Well, he'd never been in it, I think you will find.
He now sits in his cell dreaming up lots of verse
Of silvery moons and a nocturnal hearse.
frittering lights and a madman's curse.
He was getting original.

In time he was allowed to use sharp pens,
so he wrote of ghostly shapes crossing fog shrouded fens.
The critics read his work and now want to know it.
Rupert's now famous; a celebrated Mad Poet.
Now he's original.




Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Do come in the lonely Inn across the Lonely Moor.

 I came across a lonely Inn across a lonely Moor,
The clientèle were weird as hell so I legged it for the door.
I made it to the threshold,
the air inside was cold.
Mine host appeared in front of me, a pale skinny chap,
upon his bony head he wore a raggedy worn cap.
"Stay my friend," he said, with a leering smile;
If only I could have squeezed passed him I'd have done a minute mile.

As I went back to the bar the customers watched intently.
One of them muttered something about a hearse being a luxurious Bentley.
What is this place I thought to myself; not daring to ask.
Then I overheard some muttered words where someone mentioned an ornate cask.
The barmaid was not a pretty lass, with hair all frizzy and thin.
She stared at me with glassy eyes and knocked back a double Gin.
"What do you want to drink?" she asked, in a haunting voice.
"A pint of bitter please", I answered, thinking I had no choice.

The beer was good, the company bad, the atmosphere  was chilly
I Thought 'what made me come in here you are a silly, Gillie!'
The door blew open with a crash, leaves and stuff blew in,
whirling round across the floor, like swirling down a sink.
A tall bedraggled man appeared wielding a long scythe,
'Aha,' he said, 'another one,DRUNK! and just about the size.'
My ulcer hurt, my head ached, my heart began to thump.
I looked up into  those empty sockets and fell down in a lump.


If you come across that lonely Inn across that lonely Moor,
meet us clientèle though weird as hell... With The Grim Reaper at the door'
Ha, ha HARRRRRRRRRRRR!

Popular Posts

A Croc 'o' Dial

A Croc 'o' Dial
Smile your on my happy blog.

About me.I like to laugh, so I have written this blog to make everyone laugh.

About me.I like to laugh, so I have written this blog to make everyone laugh.
Like Live Laugh and love; My favorite 'L' words.

Going Out Rutting With Rudolf

Going Out Rutting With Rudolf