laugh at life with gillie

Spit, spat, spit goes the bacon, spatter, spitter, spitter, spat, spat. Keep out of Mums Kitchen, or you'll be burnt by that spitting hot fat. Bubble, bubble, bubble goes the water' bubble, lubble. lubble, blubble blob. If you touch your hands will be scolded, then you'll blubber, blubber, sob, sob. The hot meats roast in the oven. sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, sizzle. Do not touch that cooker, or you'll be burnt to a frizzle, frazzle, frizzle.

I don't know how true this story is; but I'll tell it to you anyway. It was told to me by my Granddad when we were sitting on a bale of hay. He said he was working in a field, trimming an hawthorn hedge, when he came across a group of elves, tucking into hot meat and veg. They were sitting on toadstools around an old tree stump that someone had sawn long ago, and Granddad said he would not have seen them if he hadn't stooped real low. They wore leaf green pointed hats and grass green clothes, and mud brown boots that turned up at the toes. 'OH!' said Granddad, 'I'm sorry to disturb you; I didn't mean to be rude; I hope I didn't startle you or put you off your food.' The largest of them; who was six inches small said, 'Jesus, tis al right; well not at all.  Would you like to join us in a bite to eat? We have carrots and tatties, and freshly cooked meat.' 'Well, thank you,' said Granddad, 'that's kind of you....

Billy Drake of the lake is the greediest duck around, he squabbles with the other ducks for the food around the ground. Billy has got big flat feet,he uses them like paddles. But when he walks outside the lake, he wobbles and he waddles. He wobbles around on those big feet and stumbles after food. If the other ducks get in the way Billy Drake is very rude. 

Hip-Hop Rabbit hops all around, and lives in his home deep down in the ground. one day whilst out munching a root, he heard a loud noise and decided to scoot. He hid in a thorn bush and heard a boys voice say, 'I love Rock and Roll, it's Hip, it's my choice. Slung over his shoulder was a shiny guitar' on which he twanged out a tune and sang, 'Lar, lar, lar.' Hip-Hop thought, "What a wonderful sound." He tapped his foot to the tune; on the ground. Thumpitty thump, 'lar, lar, lar, lar. I'm the most hip rabbit around here by far. He sang and he danced all the way home, and came across Norman the Gnome. 'Crikey!,' said Norman, 'what an unusual habit, that's the first time I've seen a Rock and Roll Rabbit.' Now Hip-Hop performs at Woodlands Hop every night, where the animals dance in the hall, that's packed tight. He has a stage name now that he is a star' It's Swivel-Hip-Hop, the most hip ...

There once was a Beaver called Sam, who was busy building a dam. The damn dam burst, caused Sam to curse, and sail away in a pram.

Wing Wang Wong hit the big brass gong and it went bing, bang, bong, dong. Ching Chung Chang gave the gong a bang, and it went bing, bong, dong clang. Ling Long Lo thought he'd have a go, he took a swing, but he aimed too low' and the gong went, Ho, ho, ho!

At the zoo there's a laughing hyena, I don't know if you've ever seen her? She cheers everyone up, She's such a cheerful pup. They shout, 'Oh, Look, have you seen her? Hi Ena!'

There's Kangaroo I knew, who played tunes on a didjareedoo. Whenever there was a bit of a doo, who was there? That kangaroo, playing tunes on his didjareedoo! I swear its true...er Blue.

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This is the chapter in my book where Horace meets his future friend and bodyguard. He is an accountant on the run from 1960s London Gangsters and a bungling cop who needs to show his superiors that he is not the idiot they know him to be. The book can be bought from Amazon. 'Sad, Bad and Barking Mad.'  Kilgore the scrap yard dog lay in his tea-chest kennel in the old rope factory courtyard.   His tormentor and archenemy Mogsie the feral cat slept peacefully on the south side of the tiled roof basking in the spring sunshine.   Once the sun had circled around to the west and cast a shadow on the roof, it would be time to have some fun with the dog.   Mogsie stretched, yawned, strolled down the roof and onto the pan tiled wall that surrounded the courtyard where Conan Murphy and son stored their scrap metal and army surplus machinery.  The tormenting feline loped along the seven-foot high wall like a leopard on the limb of a tree.  He arrived at the...

‘What’s going on?’  Charlie asked.  He startled Pricilla out of her daydream, where she imagined entertaining her new socially conscious friends in her newly acquired home.  Her mug holding hand shot up in a reflex action, she spluttered and choked with tears in her eyes as the tea went down both channels of her gullet; the words Oh fuck crossed her mind.  She sprang up from the armchair. ‘Oh, my god poor Archibald whatever could be the matter with him?  He fell off the sofa…’ she paused; what else could she say?  She could not think of anything, ‘oh my god,’ she wailed, ‘oh my god!’ she repeated, for the want of something else to say.  She threw her arms in the air in mock angst.  She ran around the room screaming and wailing hysterically.  Alcol thought that she was howling in triumph at killing his master. ‘Archibald has had some sort of seizure,’ Pricilla screeched, ‘he just fell from the sofa, what are we going to do.  I thi...

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