Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Sneak Preview Of My Film Idea, 'THE TYPECASTS'.

This is written by a typical Englishman (Not got a Cockney accent. Not posh, unrecognisable as a Hollywood Englishman is, but a born Englishman; Me). I have noticed through the years that Hollywood often typecast us and other people around the world, for good or bad. I am not having a go at our American cousins, just Hollywood. 


 It is about 3 asshole villains and one asshole Ass who decide to steal children's presents' and booby trap them with high explosives. The 3 villains are led by a posh surly Englishman who says "Old boy" a lot, so that the ALL AMERICAN HERO can take the piss. The surly posh Englishman's right- hand man is an Arrogant Blond Haired German - with dueling scar -, who says, "Rouse" and "Nine a lot. They are followed by a scruffy little Mexican with a manic laugh and a twitchy eye who rides everywhere on a stubborn Ass that bites children.
 They are hunted by an L.A.P.D. Officer with the morally high standards of an ALL AMERICAN HERO (Nam Vet; No not a vet who cures Nam's; whatever they are, that is American speak for a veteran of that war what they lost although John Wain won all the battles). He also has a Purple Heart that he bought at a military medal auction, just to bring out to get the audiences admiration. He is out to kick Ass; so that nasty Mexican Hybrid Mule had better watch out. His right-hand man is a hard as rock Jock who played in Brave Heart and fought the Surly Posh and London accented Englishmen until the other clans (the Brave Highlanders) ran off and left him on his own. You may not recognise his accent as he is played by an Australian who only talks pigeon Scottish sort of crossed with Irish with a little Aus / America idea of Scots speak.  - that comes out when he gets excited. They are followed by an Affable Luvly, Luvly, Big Irishman who I cannot fault for his nature; he is so amusing with his witty quips that equal those of the ALL AMERICAN HERO'S, Nam vet etc. Although the Luvly, Luvly Irishman's quips are delivered in an irritating accent that no genuine Irishman will recognise, because his part is also taken by an American actor. The Surly Posh Englishman and his motherfucker pals ambush Jock whilst he is busy tossing his caber...er... at the American Scottish games where the Scottish, cross Red Indian, cross Mongolian, cross Eskimo and just that little bit of English that they don't mention Americans walk proudly in their kilts-sublimely unaware that some of their tartans belong to those clans that left Jock Wallis on his own-. The surly posh Englishman and his asshole motherfucking mates get the wrath of any audience watching because Jock was tossing his caber for an orphan children's charity. When his bullet riddled body was delivered to L.A.P.D Precinct the ALL AMERICAN WITTY ONE MAN ARMY (NAM VET etc etc) swears vengeance in a cool sort of super American hero way. and takes his best friend the Luvly, Luvly, Cuddly Irish married father of fifteen and owner of a Luvly Cuddly Fun Loving Irish Wolfhound with him.
  In the resultant battle, the nasty Mexican Ass savages the luvly Irish Wolfhound before the American Super Duper Hero, etc, etc can get their to kick ass. And the Luvly Irishman who isn't as clever as the American Super Duper Nam Vet with too many accolades to keep mentioning gets sneaked up on by the Manic Mexican  with the twitchy eye. He is delivered to the Surly Posh Englishman and the Arrogant Blond German with the duelling scar. They take turns to torture him and all they can get out of him is "Begoragh" which is a word that isn't in the English or Irish dictionary so they don't know what he is talking about. When the Luvly, Luvly Irishman dies under interrogation the asshole motherfucking trio strap him onto the back of the smart ass Ass who he-haws at the Super Duper too good for words American hero when he drops him off at the L.A.P.D Precinct. Now the Super Duper ALL American, NAM Vet, Purple Heart, Not so witty now American Hero swears vengeance again and go's it alone. The Asshole trio (minus the laughing Jack Ass as he is not around because the dastardly donkey is back at the precinct having an assignation with a police horse; without the horse;'s consent.) Of course the Asshole trio are not a match for an enraged Big headed wisecracking super - duper All American Hero with a purple heart, a rocket launcher hand grenades, two revolvers, a big automatic weapon and a bad temper. They die a terrible death, that, the audience must agree was well deserved having made them cry when they tortured such a Luvly Adorable Gentle Giant of an Irishman to death.  The All American Super Duper Hero who has collected many more accolades through the course of the film (Too many to mention here)    strikes up a platonic friendship with the Luvly cuddly, take it on the chin, strong willed Irish widow and organises an Irish orphans charity dance at an American Irish rebel singing jig dancing shindig where they all practice their Irish accents so that the songs sound better.


www.theoldie.co.uk

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